Want To Stay Single Forever? There’s an App for that!

Posted October 21st, 2009 by Luke McKinney in Applications, Wacky News, iPhone

1.  iPickupLines:

iPickupLines offers assistance in picking up the ladies, but you’d be better off romancing her with the desecrated corpse of a kitten.  This program provides the worst lines since a Persian soldier said “Let me go first lads, there’s only three hundred of them!“

This can only be the work of a rogue Christmas cracker joke-writer out for revenge against the human race.  Otherwise someone capable of working a computer actually thought this was a good idea, in which case the aliens have their final proof that the human race is unsustainable and we can look forward to the business end of a space laser as soon as the wifi waves with this app reach them.

  Benefit of the doubt: It might be assisting evolution by screening genes that deserve to die.  Because no matter how drunk you are, or how unfussy you might otherwise become, when the guy approaching you consults his phone before speaking and says “Girl you better have a license cuz you’re driving me crazy!” you’re either already leaving or Tila Tequila.

2.  Passion

 ”Passion” promises to tell you how good you are in bed, and reveals a lot when its website says it will rate you from 0 to 10 and then explains “10 being the highest”.  We’re not sure where the programmer is from, but here we’re against sexual competition among playschoolers.  The app makes use of the microphone and accelerometer to provide ratings for duration, orgasm and activity.  First, anything that would give a top score to a tumble dryer probably isn’t an intercourse guru.  Second, when the site says you can “even [put the phone] in your pocket and have intercourse” it might not know what that last word means.

Benefit of the doubt:  It could be a way of making sure you save yourself for your true soul mate - because unless you find another iPhone already running this on the bed as you whip it out, when you start asking an iPhone if it was good for it too your partner is already putting their clothes back on.

3.  Purity Ring

The Purity Ring is a uniquely American invention a ring, teenagers put on before their parents to pledge they won’t have sex before marriage, and they often manage this with a straight face.  Studies have shown purity rings to be approximately as effective as nothing at all, and nowhere near as effective as “still living with the parents who forced you to get the stupid thing.”  The Purity Ring app takes the idea and somehow makes it even sillier, as it’s now entirely false - before at least the “there’s really a ring” bit was true.

The Purity Ring App also includes the option to forward its information to your friends.  This makes it the most ironic application since the “Which element has an atomic number of 26?” app, as it enables even virgins to spread annoying viral material.

Benefit of the doubt:  While the program itself does nothing, there’s no doubt it’ll seem effective - because anyone prepared to spend their own money on installing software about not having sex will have no trouble holding on to their virginity.

4. Proposer

The fact this app exists proves that romance is not only dead; its corpse has been dug up and used for Internet videos.  In case your brain refuses to parse the name in a last-ditch effort to save your soul:  this is an app for proposing marriage.  Because nothing says “Spend your life with me” like telling them to talk to the phone instead.

The fact there’s a drop-down menu for “Who are you proposing to this time?” might also give the wrong impression.

Benefit of the doubt:  You know what?  If you can think of a single positive thing to say about this appli-bomination, well done.  You’re better than us at nice, just don’t tell us, as we prefer to live in a world where such glaring signs clearly identify Olympic-grade losers.