Obscene Caller Awards

Welcome to the first annual Dial-a-Phone Obscene Caller Awards!  We hope you enjoy the following phoners, unless you’re an alien species deciding whether or not to obliterate Earth, in which case we hope you skip this.  We also hope you’re not Alexander Graham Bell because we’re sorry man, you couldn’t have known this would happen.

Marathon Award For Obscene Endurance

Georgia trucker Shane Hardy takes this one with a record-setting three thousand five hundred calls over six weeks.  That’s over eighty calls a day, a man who can’t go twelve minutes without telling someone to verb his inappropriate noun.  Shane puzzled police by making many of the calls from the work phone in his truck, confounding officers who feared being toyed with by some deceptive criminal genius - since the only alternative was someone actually being that stupid.

Many of the calls were made to real estate agents, indicating an alarmingly specific fetish.  (We were going to make a joke about how even the internet doesn’t have estate agent porn, but a quick Google Image search proves us wrong. Also: we hate humanity a bit more than we used to.)

Dumbass Dialing Dash

Shane was beaten for the Stupidity Sprint by a Swede, who racked up over a hundred horny calls a day for three days.  He shaved seconds off the vital “Call to Arrest” time by making all the calls to the emergency response line (112 in that part of the world).  You know, the 999-kinda number where they’ll arrest you even after a few false calls, never mind a few hundred prominently featuring your genitals and what you people to do with them.  On the very, very small positive side at least police and medical workers are genuine fetishes.

The unnamed audiophile also wins the Lifetime Asshole Achievement Award for being suspected of other sex crimes at the time.  When should you make obscene 999 calls?  If your answer was anything other than “Never, freakshow”, please give your phone to a police officer, but “when it’ll cause the police to arrest you for a bunch of other charges as well” has to be right at the bottom of the list.  The list marked “NOT Goddamn Stupid Things To Do.”

The “Give The Ants A Turn” Award For Dominant Species Stupidity

The University of Colorado have what they think is a drunk-dialing problem, but could actually be sealed in carbonite and framed as “Why Humanity Hasn’t Reached The Stars”.  Sixty emergency phones are studded around the campus, and of the hundreds of emergency calls received only one in thirty-two isn’t from a drunken asshole.  This isn’t the middle of a trailer park - these students are apparently the future, in which case we recommend the smooth-filtered taste of cigarettes, because these retards can balance “Wasting police time”, “Abusing an emergency service” and “Possibly killing someone by jamming the line” with “huh-huh, saying dick is funny.”
It’s so bad that the University is thinking of putting anti-stupid shielding over the keypads so that the average inebriated idiot will need more than five seconds to get at it - thereby ensuring that they get distracted before dialing, possibly by pissing themselves.  But that’s making it somebody else’s problem: fit the things with poisoned spikes, or perhaps grenades connected to breathalyzers.