Alarming Alarm Clocks

Posted February 12th, 2009 by Luke McKinney in Wacky News

Ever find it hard to get up in the morning?  Some people find this everyday challenge so difficult they’re prepared to arm robots with wheels, rotors and their bank details on order to defeat it.  Creating the bigger problem of having to defeat that robot once they’re up.

1.  Robot Roller

For those who watched robot tracks crushing human skulls in Terminator and thought  “I wish life was more like that”, here’s the Nanda Clocky Robot Alarm.  You’ll only be able to unleash robot tire tracks onto your own skull, though, for which the rest of the human race should be very grateful.  When it goes off in the morning, it takes off in whatever direction it’s pointed in - which, if you remember what “bedside” actually means, could be over your face.

It forces you to get up and physically retrieve the thing in order to turn it off.  The idea is that now you’re out of bed you’ll stay up - proving that it’s possible to build an entire robotic alarm clock and not understand a  damn thing about the original problem.  But if uncontrollable mobile robots can’t solve the problem, what can?

2.  Airborne Assault

Of course.  Uncontrollable FLYING robots, brought to you by the “Things can always be made worse” division.  It’s like a mosquito met RoboCop and they both decided to beat you up, first thing in the morning when you’re at your weakest.

It doubtless works.  Whether you’re full of buzzing housefly annoyance taken up to eleven, or mortal terror at hovering robot death merging into your nightmares, you’ll be so full of stress chemicals you’ll have to get up.  Whether you’ll be in the mood to do anything other than merge a giant flyswatter with a machine gun is another matter.

3.  Survival Training

Perhaps realising that humanity needs some help surviving the coming early-morning apocalypse, Bandai have built the “Gun O’Clock“.  The alarm can only be silenced by scoring a bulls-eye on a bedside target - or on hard mode, multiple bulls-eyes, simulating an assault by multiple enemies.  Not the easiest task first thing with your eyes gummed up and your head full of cobwebs, but if the efforts of the previous two companies are anything to go by it could soon save your life.

4. You Snooze, You Lose

ThinkGeek Labs have built a physical incarnation of the anti-slugabed saying, and in-so doing created the most dangerous piece of early morning electronics since the Atomic Toaster.  While the previous peril-generating timepieces only went for your body, the SnuzNLuz hits where it really hurts - your bank balance.  Humans are at their absolute worst in terms of cash decisions when half-asleep (the entire Home Shopping Network is based on this fact).

Armed with your account details and a wifi connection to the net, the alarm donates your hard-earned money to a charity of your choice every time you hit the productivity-draining ’snooze’ button.  It all sounds incredibly motivating, but it’s based on the false assumption that the victim is willing to play along.  They aren’t.  They may have thought the idea was very cute in the catalog, but come seven AM when they’re faced with either getting up or giving some starving orphans money, even the most half-conscious wake-ee will be able to work out the “OFF” switch.

5.  Bed-tilter

German bed-tilting hydraulics might be something you’d expect on an entirely different kind of website, but don’t worry, Dial a Phone hasn’t gone NSFW.  This machinery is designed to get you out of bed instead of keep you in.

Iris Koser realised that nothing short of an earthquake could get her out of bed in the morning, and having a Germanically direct approach to things, decided to simulate one.  Once the alarm goes off the bed starts tilting, eventually tipping even the heaviest sleeper onto the floor.  Especially the heaviest, in fact.  The fact she’s willing to trust her sleeping body to homemade parts capable of catapulting her across the room speaks volumes about German craftswomanship, bravery, or subconscious suicidal urges.