The 3 Worst Ways Of Using A Phone In Public

The mobile market is more murderously competitive than a shoal of piranhas whose father didn’t love them. Almost every mobile phone specification is advertised as a more important than the chemical make-up of oxygen. But in a world of megapixels and inches of screen, one measurement is un-advertised: annoyance-o-meters. Because this value is constant for every phone. They can be used to annoy one person a huge distance away, or dozens close by.

We’re looking at the latter – three ways to use your handset as an annoyance grenade. A phrase we hoping people start using because once you can claim someone has a grenade of any kind the police are allowed to take action

Listening To Music Without Headphones

This is the least rewarding act of rudeness outside of hugging an unwilling hedgehog. Your phone’s speaker is good at projecting voices directly into your ear canal, but unless you’re phoning the future, your friends don’t have multichannel tracks in their throats. Forcing music through a miserable mobile speaker is like shoving a kitten through a keyhole: nothing survives and the sounds are awful. Especially when they want to listen to the phone sitting on their lap, on a bus, because that means turning the volume up so far beyond the equipment’s capability that they’d get the same sound quality by sticking their head in the engine. And at least the other passengers would enjoy that.

The Touring Cameraphone

Millions of tourists treat their phone like a baby, proudly showing it the wonders of the world and placing its well-being far above their own. You’ll see these doting parents at concerts, scenic views, and museums around the world. Instead of actually seeing at what they’ve paid to see, they raise their phone like a warding amulet – shielding themselves from ever looking directly at it.

This is stupid on more levels than an upside-down skyscraper. They’re blocking the view for everyone else to take the world’s worst photo of one of the world’s best-photographed things. They could have bought a book of pictures and saved themselves the trip. They could have looked it up online, on their phone, and still seen a better picture than their myopic mobile. Because it doesn’t matter how many megapixels you have – any lens system which fits in your pocket is about as suitable for scenic views as an agoraphobic bat.

The Ringtone Spectrum

There is a nuclear option of electronic idiocy, a button you can press to irrevocably aggravate the rest of the world, and we’ve all been exposed to it: The ringtone cycle. The psychopath sitting in public and playing every single ringtone in a row, as if that was something non-lunatics would ever do. You couldn’t annoy everyone around you more if you took off your trousers, because at least then others can look away and ignore you.

A ringing phone is the most annoying sound in the world, and the cycle means it’s constantly rotating to a new theme so you can’t get used to it. It’s an adaptive attack on everyone with a brain. That’s why the idiots responsible don’t feel any pain. Every phone should be fitted with a small explosive charge set to go off when this happens. Because that will only cause an annoying loud noise once, and the guilty party’s subsequent screams will actually be quite entertaining for everyone else.

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