The world’s a stage, and no matter how nicely you ask, the audience will spend the entire performance on their phones. Once upon a time, embarrassing alcohol-fuelled adventures would quickly soften into amusing stories and fade from memory, but now, the phone camera preserves your worst (and best) excesses like a mobile museum dedicated to embarrassment. Global communications mean everyone can be famous, and while fifteen minutes is well beyond the attention span of most modern viewers, you’ll be surprised at just how many of those viewers there are.
But technology doesn’t just amplify fame; it allows idiots to invent brand new ways of being stupid on a wider and more spectacular scale than ever before.
An Even Stupider Kind Of Flashing
An American man came up with the dumbest, least profitable crime since sticking your arm in a tiger’s mouth to steal the previous victim’s wallet. Chadwyck Voegeli used his phone while driving, so we’re already into stupid and illegal before we even get to his idea, making the display show flashing blue and red lights to try to make another car pull over. When it did he came up alongside laughing.
That was his entire plan. The payoff for his felony impersonation of a police officer was “make someone stop their car, then let them know I’m an idiot at point blank range while driving my own car”. We don’t know whether he expected them to be blinded by humiliation or was simply too stupid to know what those little squiggles on license plates are for.
Luckily in our electronic age has made karma extremely quick. The only reasons his victims stopped were because they were police officers, and because they genuinely could not believe it. When the people he’d pulled over flashed a badge at him, Chadwyck realised he’d made mistakes in life. A trend he decided to continue by taking off and escaping – to a bar. Where police officers found his car, then him, then him in handcuffs after a very few seconds of finding out he also sucks at running.
Caller Conspiracy Theories
Connecticut Deputy Energy Commissioner Jonathan Schrag is embroiled in a tangled web of deceit and madness, and the conspirators are his brain parts versus the concept of reality. When a threatening message delivered in his voice from his phone was left on the voicemail of one of his enemies, he immediately leapt to the most obvious explanation: Mission Impossible. He explained how someone had edited together clips of his voice and then faked his phone number, which seems like a lot of trouble to target a woman’s organisation concerned about shoreline property development.
He’s either unaware that elite government spy teams aren’t real, or is trying to distract us by making us think of Tom Cruise – one of the only people crazier than him. When asked where these expert- but-extremely unambitious espionage agents had recorded the words to make it sound like he was threatening someone over voicemail about e-mails they’d sent, he said “Oh that’s easy, I recently explained to friends how you could threaten people over voicemail to make them back off over e-mail’s they’d sent”. So on top of everything else, he wants us to believe that this invisible ninja team was reading his mind to do things he’d described doing. This idiot’s logic could blunt Occam’s razor.
Rebekah Brooks Hacked By News of the World
In proof that turnabout is fair play, and often hilarious, Rebekah Brooks’ phone was regularly hacked by the News of the World – when she was editor of the News of the World. It’s unclear whether her editorial staff were attempting to start a 1984-esque society based only on stupid headlines, or just needed the practice, but when the police informed her of the fact she helpfully shared everything she knew. Everything she knew about the police investigation, with the News of the World.
In more recent proof that she may have picked the wrong side, Brooks has become the first person charged in the phone-hacking scandal, on the grounds that she’s the most involved person who isn’t a millionaire (probably). Though we’re told that the Murdoch’s wrists ached for whole minutes after their section of the inquiries.