The 3 Worst Reasons To Call 911

There are a lot of reasons to call the emergency services, and almost all of them are nouns. Nouns like “FIRE!” or “BURGLARS!” and especially “BLOOD!” Often modified with adjectives like “mine” and “so much,” and from there it usually degenerates into expletives and screaming. But of the almost infinite combination of ways things can go wrong, no emergency call should be based on the following …

1. Lipstick

An American man called the police because a woman in his house was wearing lipstick, presumably to report that he’d accidentally travelled through time and wanted to go home to the Victorian era. Though a more honest report about the cosmeics-based reason for the call would have been that he was wearing a whiskey bottle between them. He hung up before providing his address, possibly as the last sober neuron in his mind executed an override and made him hang up, but the police were pretty pissed by this point and drove round anyway.

The caller admitted that he’d been drinking, but the police had come all this way and they were going to arrest someone. Kid’s shows tell you that being honest will earn you forgiveness, but that’s because kids shows usually don’t feature alcohol and the emergency services. Besides, if this guy calls the police when he sees women wearing lipstick, he’s going to be calling in airstrikes when he sees what’s on the ‘specialist’ subscription channels.

2. Cigarettes

Screaming and anger often lead to emergency calls, but one elderly lunatic decided to cut out the middleman by providing them directly to the dispatchers. The Florida woman called six times to scream that she needed to see a sergeant (which turned out to be true and exactly what happened), refusing to explain why, and then demanding to know why it was the dispatcher’s business. Which displays a serious lack of understanding of what a dispatcher does. Or, after five calls, basic human nature. But it’s understandable because when police officers see Swamp Thing without warning they often open fire, so his mother was just trying to warn them.

A neighbour explained that she probably wanted some cigarettes. Normally a ‘neighbour’ talking into a microphone after an emergency call is a less credible witness than Mork from Ork, but since Mork himself would have made more sense than anything else involved in this case we’re going with it.

3. Facebook

A 57-year old man was arrested for wanting to surf around Facebook, and while there’s plenty of ways to do that, he managed the only premature arrest for looking at underage girls by being charged before he logged on. When his 54-year old wife wanted to look over his Facebook page he fed her beer to try to get her to sleep, apparently mistaking his lifelong companion for a pet or troublesome child with a terrible parent. When that didn’t work he called 911.

When he explained why he’d called 911, they arrested him, so at least one party in this idiotic charade knew what they were doing. He was given 60 days for being a moron, often phrased as “misusing 911”, and just to add the moron icing to the stupid cake, he didn’t turn up for his sentencing. When a warrant was issued and he realised that the entire justice system doesn’t just forget to do chores like incarceration, he surrendered and starting serving his sentence.

Leave a Reply