The Most Idiotic Phone Messages Ever Sent

Phones make it easy to reach out and touch someone, which is actually pretty scary when you think of how many lunatics there are and how rarely they wash their metaphorical hands. You can spend years assembling a trusted group of friends and any idiot can still dial into your life. Genetic wrong turns previously prevented from bothering you by crippling psychoses, fear of aliens, or an intellectual inability to work their own shoelaces, can now affect the world with a few button pushes.

1. The Worst Warning

One man was secretly going through his girlfriend’s daughter’s phone’s pictures when he thought of a way to be even creepier. Which was hard, but that’s something he probably was at that point anyway. He discovered a nude picture the underage teen had taken of herself. He apparently wasn’t looking for one –  which takes this beyond creepy and into confusing – and decided to teach her about the risks of storing naked pictures by sending it to everyone in her contact list. His plan to warn her about the risks of people seeing it was to make sure they did. We can only be grateful he wasn’t teaching gun safety.

He was immediately arrested by officers thinking “every time I had to deal with a puking drunk was worth it, because now I know I’m making society a safer place.” The most recent report states that he remains in custody while the police confer with the attorney’s office to determine how to proceed. Because when you’re faced with this level of combination of idiot and pervert, you need to invent new procedures to deal with it.

2. The Stupidest Student

An American student e-mailed bomb threats to his university so that he wouldn’t have to take an exam, and in only that regard his plan was 100% successful. The only exams he’ll be involved in from now on will be taken by criminals, in the shower, and he gets to be the test instead of sitting it. (Sitting also won’t be a big part of his future.) He sent two e-mail threats threatening to blow up the exam hall, one from a university computer and another from his phone, just to make it extra-easy for the FBI to catch him. Though he squandered any goodwill that earned him by insisting that the threats were a “joke”, something arresting officers somehow still aren’t allowed to punch people for.

3. Meta-evidence

The most underachieving crook in the world placed an order at a Burger King drive-through, then robbed the cash desk with a crowbar she claimed was a gun. So she was pretending to order stuff that was pretending to be food while pretending to be armed. This childish play-acting at crime might be why she chose such a terrible target; it turns out corporations know what happens when you put cash near a place where strangers can get really close to in their cars. Drive-through cash desks put their money in the bank more often than an idiot on Fifteen-To-One. Your lungs hold on to stuff for longer.

Having somehow gotten away with the world’s least ambitious yet most prosecutable crime (just pretending to have a gun is a big neon sign saying “I CAN BE ARRESTED EASILY AND SATISFYINGLY”), she then phoned the drive-through to check that they hadn’t read her license plate number. Which would have been a really good idea, but (a) you don’t end up handing money over to unarmed women from behind bulletproof glass in a fast food joint by having really good ideas, and (b) even they were already smiling, because they knew this idiot would call from her own phone.

Which she did. After what would have been the shortest but  most hilarious episode of CSI, she was arrested.

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