We’re all used to businesses making money illegally – (it’s the plot of 90% of all business headlines and modern action movies – but we expect them to at least aim big. Here we see three products aimed entire products at the exact opposite of a target market – the smallest, pettiest criminals possible.
1. Herb Converter
Prepare to meet whiners more over-entitled than Caligula’s horse, and considerably stupider. Incitatus might have had an entire palace, political power and ranks of slaves, but you can bet this gift horse never used his mouth to whine about it. Not so users of “HerbConverter 3.0″, an iPhone app which both prices marijuana and makes an absolute mockery of the App Store’s banning policy. The stoners have smartphones and a free app to help replace the mental faculties they’re losing, yet they’re still lining up to complain about it. Users complain about how this illegally-themed calculator hasn’t connected to the vast hash-database of street-name prices, possibly because that’s not a thing.
It’s like they’re looking for problems to feel stressed about, the exact opposite of the “herb”‘s function.
2. Digital Watch Scale
The Jennings JScale is so spectacularly illegal that if it isn’t a sting operation, the CSI guys have missed out on their favorite thing: a stupidly technological way of catching idiots. The wrist-mounted pad can measure up to 300 g to an accuracy of 0.1 g, and if you can think of even one non narcotic use for that then well done on being the world’s most obsessive-compulsive (and smallest) chef.
It’s more likely to land you in prison than an ankle tag (which if you have one of those, at least means the police decided not to keep you). Your only hope with this digital proof of guilt is that the arresting officer is grateful you brought your own electronic “grounds for search and seizure.” Any officer who doesn’t immediately frisk someone wearing this is either new to the job or on his last day in the force and doesn’t want his final arrest to be so stupid.
3. Hidden Camera Sports Bag
Omejo win our Most Illegal Product of 2011 Award, which is funny because we didn’t even know we were judging that until the police kicked in our door and demanded to know where we’d found it. It’s a sports bag with a hidden video camera, possibly aimed at those who think that just pulling a gun will get them arrested too quickly and give them too much respect in prison.
They optimistically claim a “variety of uses”, which is technically true because you could perv in on any number of different sports team locker rooms. If you can think of a single legal use for this sports equipment spy bag, go read up on sexual harassment before you get yourself arrested.