Criminals are a cowardly, superstitious lot. They’re also often dumber than their own phones (which were until recently other people’s), and a select few are even dumber than dictionaries. Because if they even knew what a “telephone” did they’d still be free. Here we see some cases that don’t need a lifetime of training in Dark Vengeance to crack – just the common sense of an average nine year old.
1. Stealing PIN and GPS
The first rule of theft: “don’t steal things that can track your location and report it to police officers.” (The second: “don’t live in Mega City One”). Neither apparently applies to three Pittsburgh muggers who relieved a student of his wallet, PIN and iPhone, then relieved police of the hassle of hunting for them by leaving said iPhone on. Did you know those things come with remotely-accessible Global Positioning Systems? Well they do now, but they might have to wait a few years to put their new found knowledge to good use.
2. Mistress-meeting Masterplan
The key to covertly cheating on your wife is to avoid attracting attention. Not being an idiot also helps. We don’t want to say that a Florida pastor screwed up both steps and had the worst infidelity idea since scheduling a double-date with both women, but he would have been better off if he’d bought his wife a porno featuring himself and other people. Because at least then the police wouldn’t be involved.
Instead, this anti-Bond texted his wife that he’d been kidnapped. Exactly how this was supposed to avoid attention is unclear, possibly because unlike the pastor we’re not worse at romance than an army of leeches. He then advised his wife not to panic – and maybe the kidnap of your spouse is on par with spilled milk, a minor mishap demanding only a “tut” and a trip to the shops, but his wife went all crazy and called the police. Apparently kidnapping is kind of their thing.
The thing about police-triggering text messages about kidnapping is that those guys can just ask the phone company to tell them where it came from. And if it came from a room containing you and your not-wife, they’ll totally come round armed for violence, anti-kidnapping, and while they don’t have specific weapons designed to fire humiliation you’ll get the same effect. Things progressed pretty much as you’d expect after that, meaning that this wasn’t just not-kidnapping but actively anti-kidnapping – because now no-one wants to keep him.
3. Triple murder call back
If you lose your phone while robbing people
1) Congratulations on discovering karma
2) Let it go, man, ‘cos it’s gone
Or you try the technique of calling the phone to find it, usually restricted to people who weren’t committing felony offenses when it went missing, and start talking to this totally friendly sounding guy who’ll meet you and definitely isn’t a police officer. At this point you should turn up in a stolen car with a swastika tattoo and a sawn-off rifle. That’ll help.
And if you’re a suspect in three klllings that’ll really makes sure the police go the extra mile to find you.
Also: sawn-off rifle? We take pride in not actually knowing about illegal weaponry outside our XBoxes, but that’s the stupidest weapon modification since the submarine trap-door.